A Fork in the Road

I have a problem. I am an emotional eater. I am not sure what it is deep down that is causing me to eat, eat, and then eat some more. Sometimes I can't stop, even though I can hear myself screaming inside to just stop. Before I had my kids I was a smoker. I gave it all up the minute I found out I was pregnant, and never went back. It was my emotional crutch. Now I have binge eating. The other day I thought "maybe I should go back to smoking so I could stop the binging". What a ridiculous thought. That made me realize that I needed to find some type of help. Help learning to deal with stress, help figuring out why or what it is that is causing all this emotional pain. I don't think I have felt truly, deeply happy in quite some time. It is causing all my close relationships to suffer. Tomorrow I will reach out for help. Tomorrow I start down a road I wish I had turned down years ago. The path may be steep and rocky, but the view at the end is worth it all.

feeling defeated

I have been feeling defeated lately. I guess this would be the reasoning behind my lack of blogging. I have felt defeated in my weight loss efforts. I keep thinking back to how much harder I have to work for it this time. I wonder where my self control and resolve went. I read blogs and talk to people I know who have been successful and sometime it makes me feel very defeated.

I feel defeated with my running. I ran a 5K race in March, and it was my slowest time yet. My runs feel more difficult lately, which in turn makes it harder to get off my @$$ and actually go for a run. This is not a good mindset to be in with a 10K race just a few weeks away. It will be my first 10K that I plan on running the entire race. It is a big race with thousands of runners. They have 88 different waves there are so many runners. I have missed many runs on my training schedule and have been having doubts as to whether I would be able to complete the race.

I have felt defeated at work and in my personal life as well. At work it is now the two most important months of the entire year, and I have to prove myself in my new position. My predecessor ran the number one department for the month of May and June for the entire company. These are very large shoes to fill and the stress has gotten the better of me.

Tonight that all changed. I had went out for my long run around 2 pm. There was a storm moving in and between the wind and the cold I just could not do it and decided to head home after .25 miles. I decided that there was still plenty of daylight left and I might still get my run in after the storm passed. Around 7pm the weather had lifted and my stomach was empty enough to run. I haven't been paying attention to when it has been getting dark lately so I decided the safest route would be to go to track at the junior high school. This is where I used to go when I first started the c25k before my second child. I knew that 3.5 miles on a track would be a bit boring but it still beats a treadmill any day. During my warm up I ran (walked) just 3 feet from a fox. I did not see him until I was right up on him. It was nice surprise that helped give me something to think about for a little bit. He was long gone before I made it around again. As I was running I had so many memories come flooding back to me about the times I had spent on this track. It was this that made me realize how far I have come. I ran 14 laps and they were no where near as tough as the 4 or 6 used to feel just a few short years ago. Not to mention that 3.5 mile is the furthest I have run, and I ended it feeling strong, confident, proud, and happy. I am a runner, and I will finish this race, it may be hard, but just like any other part of my life, it is when it is hard that I thrive. It is when it is hard, and I come through to the other side that I feel powerful. I need to stop comparing myself to others and appreciate how good I am and how far I have come.

Making the right choices

My choices have changed. This last week I had a day which I had to eat out for every meal. This day was a high calorie day as far as my zig zag would go so that was good. I also still had a cheat meal coming. For breakfast I choose an egg white western omelet on wheat english muffin from subway for around 250 calories. For lunch I went to a deli style restaurant. I choose half of a baked potato covered in veggies and a half a club salad with a low fat balsamic dressing. It was very filling. Dinner was at Buffalo Wild Wings. I choose the naked chicken tenders with fries. In the past I would have just thrown in the towel and given up for the day. On this day I found that the healthy choice I made were delicious, filling, and did not leave me feeling sluggish afterwards. That night I even made it to the gym for my HIIT workout. One word of advise running intervals 2 hours after spicy garlic sauce is not easy on the stomach. After this day I feel so much more confident that I can figure out how to eat healthy and still enjoy food.

Wow it has been almost a month since my last post. I guess I have been trying to figure things out for myself. I am now trying a different approach to my eating, thinking, goals, and my workouts. On the eating front I am now trying the "Build the Muscle, Burn the Fat" approach. Simply I am adding protein to every meal and snack and trying to consume most of my simple carbs before dinner, and only have protein and veggies for dinner. So far it is working to drastically decrease my afternoon and evening munchies. Under this plan you are supposed to visualize yourself at your goal and do affirmations every morning and night. This has helped me to believe in myself. It helps me feel stronger and more confident. Just yesterday after I was done with my run I was walking back to my car, and I actually saw myself at my goal size. I felt strong, powerful, and proud.

I am going to try high intensity interval training (HIIT) for the next 9 weeks. This is supposed to burn some major fat. Under the Lose the Belly Fat plan doing HIIT is supposed create at least a 2 pounds fat loss in the first week. He even says that this is huge under estimate. I will let you know.

I also joined project hydrate My water consumption has always been a problem. Give me a chance to win free stuff and suddenly I become very motivated.

I am not sure which of these chance, or if it is all of them, but for the last few days my energy level has been very high.

I have so much more to talk about, but it is already an hour past when I wanted to go to bed, and I just finished my 84 oz of water for today. Quick side note my WI for this week was 163.

I have been avoiding this post. I need to get it out, but I know while talking about it will be therapeutic, it also means reliving the moment. I relive this moment several times a day and every night when I close my eyes. A week ago today my Dad went in to have a surgery to put a stint in because he has an aneurysm. The surgery went great, afterwards not so much. My Dad is a smoker and has been for over 40 years. His smoking has weakened his lungs and this caused problems when they tried to take him off the ventilator after his surgery was over. They informed the family that there were some complications, told us he was in ICU on an oxygen mask. My Mom and I went back to see him and he was actually sedated and back on the ventilator. I wanted to turn and run out of the room, I felt sick to my stomach. To think I thought seeing him with the oxygen tubes was rough a month before. He looked dead just lying there. Usually you can take solace seeing someone breathing when they look that way, but a machine was doing that, not him. In that moment I told myself that my kids would never . Never would they have to see me like that because of poor choices. For the first time in my life I saw my Dad as weak and vulnerable. It is an image that I can not get out of my head. It now pushes me. When I don't want to workout I see my dad lying there and I go workout. During my workouts I see him again and I push harder than usual. The only problem is that when my body was screaming for a day off, I saw my Dad lying there and had to fight myself to rest.

My Dad is back home and doing very well. The whole experience scared him a bit as well and he has not smoked at all since. He is recovering well, but I don't think the scar it left on me, my Mom, or my sisters will disappear anytime soon, if ever. Maybe it was the push I have needed, but right now it feels like a nightmare that plays over and over again in my head.

I Burned What

Today I was off work, but I had a lot of errands to do, so I took the kids to daycare anyways. Around lunch I decided to go (by this I mean I reluctantly dragged myself) to the gym. I knew it might be busy, but it was the only time I would be able to squeeze it in. I am shy by nature, and feel very awkward and intimidated around others (especially when strength training) at the gym. There was only a few people in when I first arrived, but by the time I was done with a 10 minute warm up a few others had come in. There is a room at my gym that has a few spin bikes, balls, mats and resistance bands. This is where I usually go to do my lifting. It is just off of the area with the free weights and cable machines. I don't lift in that area as I am intimidated by the males that frequent the area. I am not a fan of the weight machines either.

So I went in the room and there was a lady already in there doing some exercises on a mat on the floor. I felt uncomfortable but decided to stay. She asked if there was a class scheduled and I said no. She left the room. I think I had upset her somehow. I finished stretching and began my routine. Another lady entered and began getting a spin bike ready. I was now worried that maybe a spin class was starting soon in the room. I asked and she said no. She pointed her bike at the mirror. I wanted to leave but I told myself that she really didn't care about me and was there to do her own thing. This is a big step for me. I finished my workout, well most of it. I do push ups using the ball and I did not want someone to see how awkward I am doing this. I then finished with a 1/2 hour workout on the treadclimber. I hate the cardio machine when it is busy as well. I wear a heart rate monitor when I workout so I can track calories burned, and so I can make sure that I monitor the effort I put in. This poses a problem because if anyone gets on a machine next to mine my heart rate will show on their machine. It also makes it to where they cannot check their own heart rate on that machine using the machine's sensors. The result is usually that my neighbor thinks his/her machine is broke and I have to lean over and tell them what the problem is. This angers some. I need to just not worry about it. If I want to wear a monitor it is my business and they can just find a different machine.

As for the week so far the whole money in a jar is working out well. I have logged everyday since Sunday. I have already worked out 3 days this week. On the downside I did have to put $.50 in the hubby's jar for not drinking enough water on Monday or Tuesday. My jar has $4.50 in it. Oh yeah and I burned 547 calories at the gym today!! That is fricking awesome. It felt empowering and even though I worked hard I had fun!!
I

Mirror Mirror on the Gym Wall

Went to the store and got new running shoes yesterday. Turns out I already own the top of the line as far as running shoes are concerned. I went to a specialized running store and everything. The salesman did not even look at my stride or anything. He said since I enjoyed my shoes so much, and they are the best out there, I should just stick with them. I tried on a few more kinds, and well, they were the ones that felt the best.

Lately I have been wondering what is wrong with the mirrors at my gym. I will put on my workout clothes at home, and be impressed with how far I have come. I will be comfortable with how the clothes look and fit. Then when I am strength training at the gym I stand in front of the mirror to do my workout, and the person staring back at me is not the same one I saw at my house. Where did she go? Who is this larger looking person? My mirror at home is a full length mirror, so its not a matter of not seeing the whole image.

On a different front, in the shower, after my run today, I decided to treat myself and use some of my special exfoliating soap. I thought that maybe if I rewarded myself more it would give me some of the motivation I have been lacking lately. So for February I think I am going to reward myself as follows:

1.) for every run over 1 mile $1, and an additional $.50 for every mile after the first. Since the distance for my warm up and cool down walk is added in on my sportband, they will count in the total as well. Moving is moving.

2.) for every strength workout $1

3.) for every 30 minutes of cardio on a machine $.50

4.) for every pound I lose $.25. I made this a low payout because the number on the scale is not as important as eating right, exercising, and doing what is right for my body.

I will put this money into a jar, and when there is enough I can use it for a massage or a new outfit. Now I know positive reinforcement is best, but there should always be consequences for our actions. So if I don't do these then I will have to take out this much from my jar and put it in a jar for my hubby

1.) For every day I do not log all my food $1 gets taken out. I need to see this number, no matter how bad it is. Not logging on my bad days do not make them not exist.

2.) for every day I do not drink at least 64 oz of water $.25 gets taken out. This is essential for my body to function properly. It is also one of the hardest for me.

3.) If I don't exercise at least 3 days a week $1 gets taken out. This is less than half of the days in a week.

I will start with this and adjust as needed along the way. For today I ran 2 miles, have logged all my food, and drank my water. Guess that is $1.50 in my jar and $0 in the hubby's. Better go find some jars.

The Motivation I Wish I Didn't Have

Ten days ago I got the call that my Dad was at the ER and they were waiting for an ambulance to take him to a bigger hospital in the closest city. My dad has an aneurysm and he had gone in for severe abdominal pain. His local hospital took a CT scan and had seen that his aneurysm had grown and were concerned that this was the cause of his pain. Long story short it turned out to be a pulled muscle. We have known about his aneurysm for a little over two years now, and the doctors have assured us that it was not yet large enough to be concerned. But in that moment, for the first time, I thought I could lose my Dad.

I realized that my kids are young enough that they might not remember him, especially my daughter. I lost both of my grandpas before I was 5. One died from drinking, the other from smoking. I never gave much thought to it growing up, but now as a mother I get angry about it. I was cheated out of getting to know both of them because they choose unhealthy lifestyle. Now I realize that we know more and there have been a lot of changes since then.

My dad is a 2 plus pack a day smoker. It pisses me off to think that my kids will be cheated out of getting to know him because of this. I was a smoker until I found out I was pregnant with my first. I want to get in my dad's face and slap him tell him to stop for us. I want him to be around for a long time. I want him to try to get healthier for his family. At the same time I realize that he must want to change and he must want it for himself.

There are times I want to stop in the middle of a run. Give up. It is usually when I am just not in the mood. Sometimes when I am at the gym I think why am I here? It is at these times lately that I think about my dad, my kids, my future grandkids. I know that exercising and eating healthy do not guarantee that I will be around for a long time, but my kids will never have to be pissed off that I did not do my part. All I have to do is picture my dad lying there in the hospital bed with the oxygen tube in his nose looking just like my grandpa (one of the very few memories I have of him) and I push myself to keep going. Am I doing it for my kids, yes, but for me as well. If unhealthy habits take me too soon they are not the only ones who get screwed in the deal, I get screwed too.

Had a crazy weekend yet again. I had to leave work early to pick up my little girl, she had a stomach bug and had thrown up at daycare. This killed my plans for Friday. It was my ten year anniversary, and both the hubby and I were off work and we were going to do something fun together while the kids were at daycare (maybe indoor skydiving). We were at least able to go out to dinner together Friday night. I woke up Saturday morning with the stomach bug and my son was soon banished to bed with me later that afternoon. I felt better by Sunday and did a mad dash to try and get all the household chores completed. A little too much to soon. Monday I was feeling a little cruddy and had a bad side ache. I was disappointed that it was a beautiful weekend weather wise and I was unable to go for a run. To top it all off Sunday night I could not fall a sleep. Usually I can hit the pillow and be out, but not this time. With the help of a little Advil PM I am feeling much better this morning. I hope to finally get a run in this afternoon.


Food wise I did well yesterday. A little too much snacking on some of the kids cereal, but I was still within my range. I noticed that My Food Diary now shows on the calender all the days that you log and finalize your food journal in green so it is easier to look back and see how well you did at keeping a food journal. My gym has some new fitness website that will allow me supposedly to do the same things. I need to go talk to someone and get my account set up. If it is all they have said it supposed to be I will definitely give up my subscription. On Sunday I went through and logged the items that I eat every day for the whole week and then posted my dinner based on what I had planned to cook each night. I helped ease the stress of trying to log everything at the beginning and end of the day. It also helps me better plan my lunches. I almost forgot WI 164, that is down .5 pounds.



I looked at local races this morning on Active.com. There was only one close by that caught my attention. It is a 5k around Saint Patricks Day. Another bonus is it is a qualifier for the bolder boulder. This will be something that will keep me motivated to keep running. I will have to improve my time from 35:17 (fastest) to 32:28 or under to qualify for any of the qualifying waves.

Rocking it 2010

So far I am rocking in 2010. I did a one mile run and a one mile walk on Saturday. I did these so that I could calibrate my Nike +. On Sunday I went to the gym to do some strength training and a hill workout on the treadmill. Both of these were new workouts to me. I got both of the ideas from runnersworld.com. The strength training routine had a few similar moves to one I was doing before. Over all it was a good workout and I am already feeling it today, so tomorrow could be interesting ( I always feel more sore two days post workout). The hill training did not go as well. I think I might have my paces off. Just the warm up was making my ankles extremely sore. I decided it was not worth the risk of injury and stopped the workout there. I had to go to the bathroom at my gym, sit on the bench and tell myself it was OK. I was feeling defeated and weak. A little pep talk helped to make me feel proud of what I had done.



Today, despite the cold, I went for a short run around a local park. According to my Nike + with my cool down and warm up walks I did 2.12 miles. This is good since one of the challenges I am in is to run twenty miles in twenty days. That one started today, and that was enough to get me out the door. My other challenge is to run 100 miles in 2010. The last challenge is to run over 154 miles this year. That will change me from a level yellow to a level green on nikerunning.com. I am just game for anything that gets me to put one foot in front of the other.



Food wise I have stayed in my calorie range for the last two days, and today should be as well. I think I might even make it for my water goal today. Yeah. Yesterday was rough at times. My sister called in the mid morning to tell me that our Grandma was going to the ER because they were concerned she might be having a stroke. This news sent me straight into the kitchen. Thankfully I had enough sense to stop and ask myself how I thought eating would make anything better. Oh I almost forgot my WI for today 164.5. Yeah down 1 pound.

A Look Back in Time

Happy new year. It has been a long time since I have written anything. I just haven't felt like putting myself out there lately. I am going to make an effort to be more dedicated to writing at least twice a week. I am doing this so I have something to look back on for strength and guidance when I need reminded of what works and what doesn't. I cant really do that if I don't write every now and then.


The new year always seems to be a time of reflection. So I started my day thinking back to the first time I lost the weight. What inspired me then. I know that somewhere around the weight I am now that I got stuck in a rut similar to where I am now. What pushed me on the road. I cant remember for certain, but I do recall one event that really shook me. A fellow coworker who is the same age as I am lost his mom in a motorcycle accident. I remember the pain in his face and his eyes. I heard other talk about how you never truly get over the loss. Let me just say now that I have not lost any real close relatives yet. His pain was so deep and is still there to this day, it is just buried deep down. I saw his pain and it made me somehow see that pain on my son's face. This image made me sick to my stomach. It was then that I made a new goal. I wanted to be there with my son the day that he became a grandpa for the first time. I know no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, but by living a healthy lifestyle the odds are better that I will reach that goal.

For Christmas I got a Nike+ Sportband. I am trying to figure out to post my run info here, but I haven't really had time to play with it yet. So far I have gone for two runs. I still need to calibrate it for better accuracy, but right now all of the local school tracks are still covered in snow. I am hoping once schools starts back up again they might clear some of the snow off. With the sportsband I have set two goals and entered into three challenges at nikerunning.com. I have since seen several challenges on other blogs that I would love to give a try, but I am going to stick with the three I have already entered and go from there. If I try too much I will just get frustrated and not finish or accomplish any of them.

My goals for 2010
- Run all three races I ran last year and beat my previous time.
- Run the bolder boulder
- Run a half marathon
- Start a strength training program
- Believe in myself
Of course losing weigh is in there as well, but hopefully that will fall in to place as I accomplish all of the others. I want most of all is to be a better person this year than I was last year. I will post what my goals and what challenges I have signed up for on nikerunning.com later this week