I have been avoiding this post. I need to get it out, but I know while talking about it will be therapeutic, it also means reliving the moment. I relive this moment several times a day and every night when I close my eyes. A week ago today my Dad went in to have a surgery to put a stint in because he has an aneurysm. The surgery went great, afterwards not so much. My Dad is a smoker and has been for over 40 years. His smoking has weakened his lungs and this caused problems when they tried to take him off the ventilator after his surgery was over. They informed the family that there were some complications, told us he was in ICU on an oxygen mask. My Mom and I went back to see him and he was actually sedated and back on the ventilator. I wanted to turn and run out of the room, I felt sick to my stomach. To think I thought seeing him with the oxygen tubes was rough a month before. He looked dead just lying there. Usually you can take solace seeing someone breathing when they look that way, but a machine was doing that, not him. In that moment I told myself that my kids would never . Never would they have to see me like that because of poor choices. For the first time in my life I saw my Dad as weak and vulnerable. It is an image that I can not get out of my head. It now pushes me. When I don't want to workout I see my dad lying there and I go workout. During my workouts I see him again and I push harder than usual. The only problem is that when my body was screaming for a day off, I saw my Dad lying there and had to fight myself to rest.
My Dad is back home and doing very well. The whole experience scared him a bit as well and he has not smoked at all since. He is recovering well, but I don't think the scar it left on me, my Mom, or my sisters will disappear anytime soon, if ever. Maybe it was the push I have needed, but right now it feels like a nightmare that plays over and over again in my head.