Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Fork in the Road

I have a problem. I am an emotional eater. I am not sure what it is deep down that is causing me to eat, eat, and then eat some more. Sometimes I can't stop, even though I can hear myself screaming inside to just stop. Before I had my kids I was a smoker. I gave it all up the minute I found out I was pregnant, and never went back. It was my emotional crutch. Now I have binge eating. The other day I thought "maybe I should go back to smoking so I could stop the binging". What a ridiculous thought. That made me realize that I needed to find some type of help. Help learning to deal with stress, help figuring out why or what it is that is causing all this emotional pain. I don't think I have felt truly, deeply happy in quite some time. It is causing all my close relationships to suffer. Tomorrow I will reach out for help. Tomorrow I start down a road I wish I had turned down years ago. The path may be steep and rocky, but the view at the end is worth it all.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

feeling defeated

I have been feeling defeated lately. I guess this would be the reasoning behind my lack of blogging. I have felt defeated in my weight loss efforts. I keep thinking back to how much harder I have to work for it this time. I wonder where my self control and resolve went. I read blogs and talk to people I know who have been successful and sometime it makes me feel very defeated.

I feel defeated with my running. I ran a 5K race in March, and it was my slowest time yet. My runs feel more difficult lately, which in turn makes it harder to get off my @$$ and actually go for a run. This is not a good mindset to be in with a 10K race just a few weeks away. It will be my first 10K that I plan on running the entire race. It is a big race with thousands of runners. They have 88 different waves there are so many runners. I have missed many runs on my training schedule and have been having doubts as to whether I would be able to complete the race.

I have felt defeated at work and in my personal life as well. At work it is now the two most important months of the entire year, and I have to prove myself in my new position. My predecessor ran the number one department for the month of May and June for the entire company. These are very large shoes to fill and the stress has gotten the better of me.

Tonight that all changed. I had went out for my long run around 2 pm. There was a storm moving in and between the wind and the cold I just could not do it and decided to head home after .25 miles. I decided that there was still plenty of daylight left and I might still get my run in after the storm passed. Around 7pm the weather had lifted and my stomach was empty enough to run. I haven't been paying attention to when it has been getting dark lately so I decided the safest route would be to go to track at the junior high school. This is where I used to go when I first started the c25k before my second child. I knew that 3.5 miles on a track would be a bit boring but it still beats a treadmill any day. During my warm up I ran (walked) just 3 feet from a fox. I did not see him until I was right up on him. It was nice surprise that helped give me something to think about for a little bit. He was long gone before I made it around again. As I was running I had so many memories come flooding back to me about the times I had spent on this track. It was this that made me realize how far I have come. I ran 14 laps and they were no where near as tough as the 4 or 6 used to feel just a few short years ago. Not to mention that 3.5 mile is the furthest I have run, and I ended it feeling strong, confident, proud, and happy. I am a runner, and I will finish this race, it may be hard, but just like any other part of my life, it is when it is hard that I thrive. It is when it is hard, and I come through to the other side that I feel powerful. I need to stop comparing myself to others and appreciate how good I am and how far I have come.