I have been avoiding this post. I need to get it out, but I know while talking about it will be therapeutic, it also means reliving the moment. I relive this moment several times a day and every night when I close my eyes. A week ago today my Dad went in to have a surgery to put a stint in because he has an aneurysm. The surgery went great, afterwards not so much. My Dad is a smoker and has been for over 40 years. His smoking has weakened his lungs and this caused problems when they tried to take him off the ventilator after his surgery was over. They informed the family that there were some complications, told us he was in ICU on an oxygen mask. My Mom and I went back to see him and he was actually sedated and back on the ventilator. I wanted to turn and run out of the room, I felt sick to my stomach. To think I thought seeing him with the oxygen tubes was rough a month before. He looked dead just lying there. Usually you can take solace seeing someone breathing when they look that way, but a machine was doing that, not him. In that moment I told myself that my kids would never . Never would they have to see me like that because of poor choices. For the first time in my life I saw my Dad as weak and vulnerable. It is an image that I can not get out of my head. It now pushes me. When I don't want to workout I see my dad lying there and I go workout. During my workouts I see him again and I push harder than usual. The only problem is that when my body was screaming for a day off, I saw my Dad lying there and had to fight myself to rest.

My Dad is back home and doing very well. The whole experience scared him a bit as well and he has not smoked at all since. He is recovering well, but I don't think the scar it left on me, my Mom, or my sisters will disappear anytime soon, if ever. Maybe it was the push I have needed, but right now it feels like a nightmare that plays over and over again in my head.

I Burned What

Today I was off work, but I had a lot of errands to do, so I took the kids to daycare anyways. Around lunch I decided to go (by this I mean I reluctantly dragged myself) to the gym. I knew it might be busy, but it was the only time I would be able to squeeze it in. I am shy by nature, and feel very awkward and intimidated around others (especially when strength training) at the gym. There was only a few people in when I first arrived, but by the time I was done with a 10 minute warm up a few others had come in. There is a room at my gym that has a few spin bikes, balls, mats and resistance bands. This is where I usually go to do my lifting. It is just off of the area with the free weights and cable machines. I don't lift in that area as I am intimidated by the males that frequent the area. I am not a fan of the weight machines either.

So I went in the room and there was a lady already in there doing some exercises on a mat on the floor. I felt uncomfortable but decided to stay. She asked if there was a class scheduled and I said no. She left the room. I think I had upset her somehow. I finished stretching and began my routine. Another lady entered and began getting a spin bike ready. I was now worried that maybe a spin class was starting soon in the room. I asked and she said no. She pointed her bike at the mirror. I wanted to leave but I told myself that she really didn't care about me and was there to do her own thing. This is a big step for me. I finished my workout, well most of it. I do push ups using the ball and I did not want someone to see how awkward I am doing this. I then finished with a 1/2 hour workout on the treadclimber. I hate the cardio machine when it is busy as well. I wear a heart rate monitor when I workout so I can track calories burned, and so I can make sure that I monitor the effort I put in. This poses a problem because if anyone gets on a machine next to mine my heart rate will show on their machine. It also makes it to where they cannot check their own heart rate on that machine using the machine's sensors. The result is usually that my neighbor thinks his/her machine is broke and I have to lean over and tell them what the problem is. This angers some. I need to just not worry about it. If I want to wear a monitor it is my business and they can just find a different machine.

As for the week so far the whole money in a jar is working out well. I have logged everyday since Sunday. I have already worked out 3 days this week. On the downside I did have to put $.50 in the hubby's jar for not drinking enough water on Monday or Tuesday. My jar has $4.50 in it. Oh yeah and I burned 547 calories at the gym today!! That is fricking awesome. It felt empowering and even though I worked hard I had fun!!
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